I Was A Teenage Chocobo
by Lady Pyrefly
Summary: Squall, the unfortunate victim of a microwave accident, is changed into a chocobo!
1. Of Microwaves and Arguements

I Was a Teenage Chocobo

by Lady Pyrefly

Author's Note: This idea came to me while watching B-rated movies with Spork the Unstoppable, my little brother. For those of you who don't know, a B-rated movie is a really cheesy one like Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, or really old Godzilla movies still in Japanese with English subtitles. They rock! One more thing, this is my first attempt at humor, so please tell me if there's something I can do to make it better. Enjoi.

----------

Chapter One-Of Microwaves and Arguments

----------

It was a beautiful day in Balamb Garden. There was sun, sea, and the horrifying shrieks of an angry Rinoa.

"What do you mean, 'mission'?" she demanded. The entire Garden was off of their schedules, because they were busy listening in on the argument taking place in the library.

"What's the problem?" Squall asked, in the terrified voice only a man who was facing Death in a back alley knew.

"_PROBLEM?_ YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE _PROBLEM_ IS!" Rinoa screamed. It probably wasn't the best time for Squall to notice this, but Rinoa's face was turning scarlet as she screamed. Squall backed up a few paces, and tripped over a chair. He looked over at the quiet librarian for help, but she had given up far long ago on trying to hush Rinoa. It may have been around the time that Rinoa threatened to take out her eyes with a melon scooper. Ah yes, he remembered why he loved Rinoa.

"I'm sorry, Rin, it's urgent. If I don't get Laguna straightened out with the shumi ambassadors, he'll end up embarrassing himself by trying to imitate their accents or something. It'd be horrible." Squall couldn't help it. Even though Rinoa was his girlfriend, he was responsible for the rest of the world too.

"Fine. Go, then. See if I care." Now things were getting really scary. Rinoa had progressed past the point of screaming her fury. No, she was now scarily calm, a perfect sorceress.

But Squall didn't have time to care. He needed to go, now. If he missed his train, not only would President Laguna cause a world war, he would be stuck at Balamb with Rinoa who hated him at this moment. Behold the glories of being a SeeD. Squall quickly left, being careful not to turn his back on the seething Rinoa. Who knew what kind of spell she'd put on him?

As the commander walked down the hallways to the cafeteria, he felt the eyes of the entire Garden on him, and wished the school wasn't circular shaped. What he really needed now was a quick shortcut.

- - -

"Hot dog, hot dog, hot dog," Zell chanted, grinning like an idiot. He walked into the mass freezer in the Cafeteria and returned with a economy-sized package of hot dogs. He broke the seal and inserted one into a giant microwave.

Unfortunately, Zell did not see the warnings on top of the hot dog package, which read, "WARNING: do not microwave this product! WARNING!"

Zell pressed the buttons on the microwave and watched the hot dog spin.

ZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPP!

- - -

ZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPP!

Squall, who had been walking through the cafeteria to get food, felt a horrendous pain in his chest, and fell to the ground. Everything went black.

- - -

Zell, or what looked like Zell, was completely charred. His face was covered in ash and for some strange reason, his clothes were glowing with radioactive hotdogs. Crazy.

Zell looked around and saw that his economy-size bag of frozen hot dogs had disappeared in the blast. So, he walked back into the mass freezer and retrieved another one, shutting the door behind him.

After he had gotten his next bag of hot dogs, the sheer idiocy of what he had done hit him.

He had shut the door.

"HELP ME! I'M STUCK IN THE FREEZER WITH THREE TONS OF FROZEN HOT DOGS AND THERE'S NO MICROWAVE!"

Oh the horror.

- - -

Squall awoke with a shock the next day to see a group of students at Garden peering at him as he lay on the hard ground.

He glared at them all and stood up. "What's going on around here?" he demanded. "Did I miss my train? What are you staring at?"


	2. Of Hauntings and Mascots

Chapter Two-Of Hauntings and Mascots

----------

"Help me?" Zell shouted from his icy prison. "Please?" he was getting desperate. Just a few hours ago, he had tried to eat his way through the metal doors. He sighed. Hot dogs, hot dogs everywhere, and not one to eat.

Footsteps sounded, as the lunch lady strolled into the back room to get new hotdogs for the day.

"HELP ME!" Zell shouted, "PLEASE, SOMEBODY HELP ME!" The echo from inside the freezer amplified his voice and gave it and eerie ring.

The lunch lady froze. "Oh, great Hyne…" she whispered, before dropping the keys to the freezer and running for her life.

After a few moments of silence, Zell called again, "Hel-lo!" No one answered him.

"Huahh!" Rinoa cried, pulling Squall the Chocobo into a stranglehold. She called it a "hug."

"Oh, Mr. Chocobo, I just knew I could teach you to fetch!" she said, grinning from ear to ear. If Squall had been human at that moment, he would have arched an eyebrow. But he wasn't, so he just looked like a chocobo with a digestive problem. Rinoa kept talking: "You deserve a reward, Mr. Chocobo!" Rinoa went to the cabinet in her dorm, and retrieved a large can marked, "Pedigreens." "Here you go, Mr. Chocobo, for being such a good little chocobo!"

Squall stared at the lump of Gyshal greens soaking in a brown goo. Gross. He wrinkled his beak, and looked up at Rinoa. She looked so expectant, and his usually cold heart melted. Squall found it hard to believe that just twenty four hours ago, she was threatening to dismember his body and burn the carcass. Yet another reason to love her. Who wouldn't?

He held his breath and took a small bite. It wasn't exactly delicious, but Squall was hungry. Maybe he was imagining it, but the Pedigreens tasted a bit like dog food, actually.

No sooner than Squall gulped down the last of his meager rations, Rinoa had collared him with an old belt of hers, and attached a leash. She promptly began dragging him to the cafeteria.

There, everyone sat around eating bags of chips, or chocolate choco-bars. Squall was puzzled.

"Hey, wha'as up?" Irvine greeted the pair as Rinoa pulled them over to the table.

Rinoa shrugged. "Not much. I taught Mr. Chocobo here how to fetch. Why did everyone buy lunch from the vending machines?" A terrified look appeared in her eyes. "Oh, god. Selphie didn't organize a boycott of cafeteria food, did she?"

Irvine grinned sheepishly. "Nah, the cafeteria ladies are afraid to go into the stockroom. It's haunted."

From the other end of the table, Selphie piped up. "I heard it's the ghost of a dead sorceress who was buried underneath the school!"

Quistis snorted. "There's no such things as ghosts, Selphie. There's no proof!"

"Oh yeah?" Selphie asked angrily. "I bet you wouldn't say that if you were in there with the ghost!"

"I would too!"

"Prove it!" Selphie shouted. The entire cafeteria was shouting. Was someone going to brave the haunted stockroom? "I bet you all the money in my ochu bank that you wouldn't last an hour in there!"

Quistis, standing up, said, "I bet I would!"

"Fine then. Tomorrow during lunch, you have to spend the entire time in the haunted stockroom. And if you don't, you have to…um…"

"Give everyone in your class A's," Seifer helped her. The fact that he was enrolled with her probably had something to do with it.

"And if I can't you have to give me all the cash in your ochu bank!"

The two girls turned away in a huff.

The library girl, whom Zell was currently dating, came up and asked where he was.

"We haven't seen him all day," Rinoa told her. "Why?"

The library girl, Emily, shrugged. "Today's our six month anniversary. He was supposed to take me to lunch."

"THAT BASTARD!" Rinoa yelled, pounding her fist on the table. Everyone was quiet.

The awkward silence hung over the group for a while, until Selphie set eyes on Squall, cowering in fear under the table.

"Oh wow!" she squealed, "What a cute chocobo! Rin, is he yours?" Rinoa, still panting with rage, smiled downward at him.

"Yup," she said.

"Oh, Rin, you have to let me use him for the new school mascot! You just have too!"

Seifer looked skeptical. "Don't you have a bad record with animals, Selphie?"

Selphie glared at him. "I do not. I'm just not lucky." Selphie sniffed. "All the animals I have either run away, or DIE!" She burst into tears.

Quickly, Rinoa patted her back and tried to comfort her. "Don't worry, Selph. You can use Mr. Chocobo!"

Selphie sat straight up. "Really, Rin?" she asked.

"Of course!"

It was the beginning of the end for Squall's dignity.

Three hours, two baths, three blow drys, and a bottle of pink nail polish later, Squall was looking disgustingly feminine. His toes were painted pink, and each feather was teased into place. He felt very much like a rag doll. No wonder all of Selphie's pets ran away or died.

"Just one last touch," Selphie said, placing a frilly pink bow on Squall's head. Eyes full of tears, she said, "It's just so beautiful!"

Squall raised a wing to brush off the bow, but Selphie's hand stopped him. "Uh-uh, Mr. Chocobo." Her voice was as light-hearted as ever, but a little spark in Selphie's eyes chilled him to his bones.

Squall gulped an lowered his wing.

----------

Author's Note: I hope you all got that an ochu bank is like a piggy bank. Just so ya know.


	3. Of Bad Days and Nonsensical Authors

Chapter Three-Of Bad Days and Nonsensical Authors

Author's Note: I am not nonsensical! And I resent their saying so. -pouts- What's that? I'm getting paid? Oh. Well then. That changes things. Let's try again.

Author's Note: Black is white. Red is night. Sunlight, sunlight! esnesnoN si nuf!

----------

HOW'S THAT FOR NONSENSICAL!

"Today has been the worst day ever!" Rinoa cried. Her white tank was stained with ketchup, and her new jeans were ripped and grass stained. Hot pink dye was smeared over her face. The sunset in the distance did nothing to calm her frayed nerves.

Squall the Chocobo leaned against Rinoa, trying to hug her, and did his best to comfort her (good boyfriend that he isn't), but, as he was lacking arms at the moment, this was quite difficult. His new pink-tipped feathers gleamed in the fading sunlight, and aggravated him.

Rinoa patted her pet on the head and said, "This is ALL my IDIOT boyfriend's fault."

_**FIFTEEN MINUTES BEFORE…**_

"NOOOOOOO!" Rinoa's anguished screams echoed in the annoyingly spherical Garden. "NOT MY FACE, MR. CHOCOBO!" But it was too late. Squall had moved, and a neon pink smear appeared on Rinoa's face. She sniffled. "This is permanent, isn't it, Selphie?"

Selphie tried to stiffle a laugh as she said, "Yup."

_**THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER THAN THAT…**_

"C'mon, Rin!" Selphie called, holding up the hot pink bottle. "I've got the hair dye!"

Squall froze, much like a deer in headlights. They say that if you hold completely still, a normal predator will just simply give up.

Rinoa and Selphie are obviously not normal predators.

They tackled Squall and held him down. Selphie began to mix the evil potion.

"Are you sure this is okay to use on animals?" Rinoa asked, afraid for her pet's welfare.

Selphie shrugged. "I dunno. It says the dye was never tested on animals. Come on, what could happen?"

Famous last words.

_**AN HOUR BEFORE THAT…**_

"Ya know," Rinoa said, looking around the newly decorated Quad. "I think this is really cool. But you know what?"

Selphie, standing in the middle of the stage, took the bait. "What?"

Rinoa, giddy with excitement, said, "We need an appearance from the brand new Garden mascot!" She bounced up and down a few times from happiness.

"Oh, Rin!" Selphie cheered, "That's a great idea! We should totally do that!"

"But he will need a little more primping before he's ready for a public appearance," Rinoa said, thinking.

"Well, duh!" Selphie agreed.

"Hmmm…What can we do?" Rinoa wondered.

"I've got an idea!"

_**AN HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES EARLIER…**_

Lunchtime ended calmly at Balamb Garden. Outside the shiny chrome hallways of Squall's alma matter, the turquoise seas rose and fell with the changing of the tide. Inside the cafeteria, a fustrated black chocobo with a pink bow superglued to his head squawked, "WARK!" in his fury as the ketchup he was working with squirted the wrong way for the thirteenth time.

"Mr. Chocobo, what did I just say?" Rinoa reprimanded, removing the ketchup packet from Squall's beak for the thirteenth time as well. "No more wasting condiments!" Of course, knowing Squall's luck, Rinoa did not see the message written in the red sauce all over the cafeteria floor. It read:

HELP! I've been turned into a chocobo and Rinoa is forcing me to wear pink! Please somebody help me before it's too la--

Unfortunately, Squall's message had been cut short before Rinoa could see it. The cafeteria ladies did, however. They glared menacingly in Squall's direction, and made threatening gestures with their spatulas. He fled behind Rinoa.

Slowly, oh so slowly, he reached up with his black plumed wing and attempted to remove another ketchup packet from off the table. Rinoa saw him. Fed up with her unruly chocobo, she smacked her hand on his wing, causing Squall to yelp with pain, and the ketchup packet to burst, spurting all over Rinoa's new white shirt.

"I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!" Rinoa screamed at her cowering chocobo.

_**AN HOUR BEFORE THAT…**_

"Miss Rinoa?" Nida whispered quietly to Rinoa and her darling chocobo as they sat reading silently in the school's library.

"AHHHHH!" Rinoa yelled, falling out of her chair and earning a half-hearted glare from the librarian. Apparantly she remembered Rinoa's death threats still.

"Oh, Hyne, I'm sorry!" Nida tried to help Rinoa up from her seat on the floor, but tripped over the upside down chair, and fell too, right on top of Rinoa. Squall growled angrily, as Rinoa pushed Nida off of herself.

Squall took a snap at Nida, but missed unfortunately. Nida may be weak, but he was quick.

"What do you want, Nathen?" Rinoa demanded, upset about having to stop reading her nice book.

"Um, it's Nida, actually, but I wanted to talk to you about Squall's mission to Esthar," Nida tried to say.

"No, no no no no no no!" Rinoa chanted, holding her hands over her ears. "I do NOT care about what happens to that IDIOT of a boyfriend!"

Squall nodded his chocobo head in agreement.

"Disappearing five days before our anniversary! I canNOT believe him!" Rinoa grumbled, and Squall (if he was human) could have kicked himself. Their anniversary! Of course!

"Well, yeah, about that…" Nida tried again.

But Rinoa shooed him off. "I have no time for non-playable characters right now!" she said, returning to her book.

_**HALF AN HOUR EARLIER…**_

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Quisits screamed, running out of the cafeteria stockroom.

"Heh. Guess I'm getting an A," Seifer said, smirking in satisfaction.

_**AN HOUR BEFORE THAT…**_

The bell rang loudly in Quistis' classroom. It was time for lunch. Not wanting to be late, Quistis quickly gathered up her papers and left the room, making a beeline for the cafeteria.

"Hey Quisty, you ready?" Selphie asked, shaking her ochu bank.

"Why don't you just give me the money now, Selphie?" Quistis suggested, "It'll save you time later."

Selphie rolled her eyes and merely answered, "You tell the ghost that I said 'hi,'" she told her friend.

Quistis took a deep breath and entered the storeroom. It actually wasn't that scary, she thought to herself. It was dark though. And quiet.

_THUMP_.

Quistis jumped. What was that? "Who's there?" she called, her hand already on her whip. No one answered. "You can't scare me, Selphie!" Again, there was no response.

Then the voices started.

"DAMN YOU TO HELL!" something yelled. The voice echoed demonically in the confined space.

Quistis shuddered. Just think about the money, she told herself. She really did need the money. Teacher pay sucked.

But the cursing and shouting continued. Quistis wasn't sure how long she would last.

_**MEANWHILE…**_

Zell stood in his small prison cell, holding a frozen hotdog to his mouth. His breath came out in little puffs, one at a time.

"Please thaw," he prayed to the Hot Dog Goddess. "Please?"

Nothing happened. Zell gave a huge angry kick to the door.

_THUMP._

"Who's there?" someone called. "You can't scare me, Selphie!"

But Zell did not notice.

"DAMN YOU TO HELL!" he yelled. For the next hour, he vented his fury and screamed his curses against the Hot Dog Goddess.

_**AN HOUR BEFORE THAT…**_

"C'mon, Mr. Chocobo!" Rinoa called back to her chocobo, who was staggering under the weight of fifteen boxes, three bags, and twelve shoeboxes. Who would've thought Rinoa could buy so much!

"Wark? Wark wark warkwark!" he yelled to no avail. Rinoa kept walking.

"Let's look in here, Mr. Chocobo!" Rinoa suggested, stepping into another store in Deling City, shopping capital of the world.

In about six seconds, Rinoa had picked out a white tank top and a new pair of jeans, and put them on in the store dressing room. When she reappeared, Squall's jaw dropped. Whoever and whatever else she was, Rinoa looked good in a pair of jeans.

"I'll take them!" she told the store clerk. "Just put them on Squall's tab, please!"

When Squall saw the price tag, he nearly fainted. Another month's pay, gone in sixty seconds.

Outside the store, a dog began to bark at what he thought was a pile of moving shopping bags.

Squall, feeling the chocobo instincts in him take over, began to run. Rinoa, who was holding Squall's leash, was thrown to the ground and dragged over a freshly cut lawn.

When the dog stopped barking and Squall regained a hold on reality, Rinoa stood up. Her brand new, deathly expensive, designer jeans were grass stained and ripped.

She sniffled. "I guess today'll be the only time I wear these."

Squall had trouble breathing.

_**HALF AN HOUR EARLIER…**_

Rinoa yawned and stretched in her moogle-covered pajamas and sat up in bed. The beautiful Balamb sunshine shot through the window. Squall, curled up on the end of her bed, opened an eye.

"Mr. Chocobo," Rinoa said, "I think today's going to be a very good day."

----------

Author's Note: Umm…I've got a few disclaimers for you all. First, GothicAngelEyes came up with the idea for Squall's feathers becoming pink-tipped. Thank you to her. And late night Seinfield reruns gave me the idea for a backwards chapter. I hope you all got it. If you don't, well, tell me! I'll probably rearrange it if nobody can read this. So, um, yeh. Kuahhh! This is the longest chapter I've ever written!


	4. Of a Shopping Crisis and Garden Festival...

Chapter Four-Of a Shopping Crisis and Garden Festival Preparations (Hyne save us)

Author's Note: A great big hug and 'thank you' to my awesome fish: kannas-twin and ScarredSweetheart for all the help concerning the shopping crisis. And, to all my reviewers, because this story has gotten the most reviews of any story I've written so far. Superficial, I know, but it makes me happy. So, bypassing all my gushing fluff, on with the story. Enjoi! And yes, this chapter will be presented in the correct order. (ha ha)

----------

Squall awoke the next morning to, as usual, a beautiful day on the island of Balamb. At least, he thought it was. He opened an eye. It was not a pretty sight by any means. Rinoa lay on her bed, sobbing. Her face was positively scarlet, at least, the bit that wasn't smashed into a pillow was. And every now and then she would give a squeak of frustration and bang her fist into the moogle-covered comforter.

He gave a chocobo sigh, and nudged her hand with his beak. The annoyance he had to face by not having hands was immeasurable. He so missed hands.

Rinoa raised her face from her tear-soaked pillow and sniffled. "Mr. Chocobo, I miss Squall so much! He was going to take me to the Garden Festival tonight. Why'd he have to have that damn mission anyway?" The tears in her eyes welled up again, and she placed her face on the pillow.

Squall fought back the urge to run screaming, or wark-ing really, out of the room. He placed his head delicately on Rinoa's upper arm, and gave another sigh.

It was going to be a very, very long day.

- - -

It was Squall's fifth attempt to gnaw his way off the leash, when Rinoa gave up. Quistis, commanding the Garden in his "absence" had called a meeting. Nine o'clock in the morning was WAY too early to be dealing with unruly chocobos, so Quistis chucked a small silver paperweight at him. Squall could have sworn he heard her whisper, "I've always been a fan of corporal punishment," under her breath before returning to her mission briefing.

"Now, listen up, people!" she said loudly. "We've got a major situation here. The entire Garden is on emergency status. I'm sure you've heard what's going on. The Garden Festival is tonight, and we have no food. No one is brave enough to venture into the…" She glared at Selphie and Seifer. "…_haunted_ store room. And, on top of all other things, every single one of our female SeeDs beauty appointments!" Quistis was now in full blown rant-mode and it was about to get worse.

"We can do it," Irvine said, gesturing to Seifer and himself. Quistis, Selphie, and Rinoa began to giggle.

"What? I bet we could," Seifer spoke up. The giggles turned into full blown laughter.

"Wark wark warkwark wark!" Squall demanded, which no one understood. They all looked at him oddly. He shrank back under the safety of the coffee table.

The girls began to tease them. "You think you could shop for food for an entire Garden, and return with something other than forty cans of chocobo soup?" Selphie asked.

The boys were beginning to lose confidence. "Umm…yeah…"

Quistis was scornful. "Fine then. You two can go, and take that DAMNED CHOCOBO WITH YOU!"

Squall guiltily took the leash from his beak.

As the men left, Rinoa whispered to Quistis, "I hope they come back with something other than forty cans of chocobo soup."

"I just hope they come back," Quistis answered.

- - -

The freezer walls were beginning to close in around Zell, as he stood, desperately trying to thaw another hot dog with his breath. There were discarded icicles around him, testaments to his failed attempts to start a fire in the small dark place.

Unfortunately, his breath froze before reaching the hot dog.

"I will kill you in your sleep," Zell said slowly to the frozen meat-based product.

Only the silence answered him.

- - -

"Um, Rinoa, can I talk to you now about Squall?" Nida the NPC was back again, meekly trying to explain the finer points of Squall's mission to Rinoa.

Rinoa, desperate for any news of her dearly departed boyfriend, jumped at the thought. "Yes? What did he say? Is he coming home? Is he? ANSWER ME!"

Nida, unable to breathe from Rinoa's choke hold, barely managed to squeak out, "He's umm…he's gone missing…"

"MISSING? WHAT DO YOU MEAN MISSING?" Squall was vaguely reminded of his last conversation with Rinoa. At least, his last conversation while wearing pants.

Hyne, he missed pants.

"Well," Nida began, rubbing his hands around where Rinoa had choked him, "He never showed up on the train. We know he left Garden, but he never got to the train."

"Oh, Squally, where are you?" Rinoa's tears fell onto the pink dye on Squall's feathers, and soaked into the super glued bow on his head. The irony of this, I assure you, did not escape him.

- - -

Seifer, driving the rental car, spun a complete 180 and landed perfectly in the last parking place in the lot. "Damn, I'm good," he told himself with satisfaction.

"Stop showing off," Irvine scolded, stepping out of the neon yellow sports car Seifer just HAD to rent for the mission.

Squall didn't say anything, as he was currently trying to hold on to his lunch.

Suddenly, a cacophony (A/N: Five point vocab word. Means noise) of screaming girls reached his ears. Squall wasn't sure, but he thought he could make out, "Irvine! We LOVE you Irvine!"

Apparently, he was right. "Ladies, ladies," Irvine demurred, trying to fight his way through the crowd. "C'mon, I'm on a mission!"

But the rabid fan girls did not listen. If anything, they grew more demanding, and one girl even ripped off Irvine's hat.

"Noooo!" he yelled in anguish. "My hat!"

Seifer, fed up with waiting, started yelling obscenities at random fan girls mobbing Irvine as he attempted to clear them off.

With one mighty slash of Hyperion, the fan girls dodged, leaving Seifer with one clear path to where Irvine lay broken on the floor. He ran quickly and tried to tug Irvine up, but to no avail.

"…can't…go on…without….my hat…" he rasped, "…just…leave me…behind…" Even as Seifer watched, Irvine seemed to grow weaker. "…can't…go on…speaking in….broken…sentences…much…longer…" And then he collapsed.

"I WILL AVENGE YOU!" Seifer cried to the heavens.

- - -

Selphie peeled a cucumber slice off her eye, and told Quistis, in the chair next to her, "As wonderful as this facial is, I can't help thinking something horrible is happening to Irvine."

"It's probably nothing," Rinoa reassured her, from the chair on the other side.

"You're right," Selphie agreed, and settled down to wait for her massage.

- - -

Seifer walked slowly into the Balamb supermarket. He looked around. There sure was a lot to buy, and many women were clamoring to get in the long lines to check out. Most of them resembled Zell's mother. A rather obscene joke came into Seifer's mind about that, and he made a mental note to tell the chicken-wuss later.

One lady walked past, pushing a metal grocery cart.

"Aha!" Seifer said, "I need a food basket-thingy."

He walked out to where the carts were stored in a concrete pen. There was a gate on the wall with directions for getting a cart. Directions that were conveniently covered by a random shrub.

Seifer pulled the handle of the cart. It did not move. Puzzled, he pulled again. And again. Finally, he whipped out his gun blade, and slashed away at the cart. "GIVE ME THE FOOD RECEPTICAL YOU CEMENT DEMON!" he shouted, earning himself the stares of many people.

- - -

Quistis was the next to open her eyes. "You guys don't think Seifer'll do something stupid, do you?"

The other girls found it hard to assuage her fears.

- - -

Squall, mortified for being seen with such idiots like Irvine and Seifer, wandered into the poultry section of the store, remembering that Rinoa enjoyed chocobo fillets very much. He felt very badly for forgetting their anniversary.

He walked right in, forgetting he was himself a chocobo.

A mad butcher was laying out his newest meats, when he saw Squall. "How did this one escape me?" he asked himself, before picking up his bloody knife and collaring Squall.

"Nooooooo! I'm not a chocobo, I'm a human! Don't kill me!" Squall pleaded, to no avail. The butcher raised his knife…

- - -

"You guys," Rinoa said, with sudden realization. "What if Squall was turned into a chocobo because of an unfortunate microwave accident? And I thought he was a real chocobo so I kept him as a pet? And Zell was trapped in the store room, so we thought it was haunted? And I just sent Squall to the store and now some mad butcher is going to chop him up and feed him to someone?"

Quistis raised an eyebrow.

- - -

The mad butcher, whose name tag read, I kid you not, "Crazy Earl" held his knife high in the air and with one mighty swish, it crashed down.

Exactly in the spot Squall last was.

At the very last second, Squall flapped his pink tipped wings, and he flew for about thirteen seconds, breaking the record for longest recorded chocobo flight, just out of harm's way.

- - -

Irvine, lying helpless and hatless on the ground, stayed perfectly still. The rabid fan girls dancing around him got tired of waiting for him to regain consciousness and left, taking his hat with them. He mustered the strength to sit up, and took in the chaos around him.

From his vantage point in front of the supermarket, Irvine could see people running in terror from Seifer. Seifer, it appeared, had a minor disagreement with the cart holder. He was screaming something about concrete demons and way too many curses to mention in a "T" rated story. The cart holder seemed to recognize the attack, and was shooting carts at Seifer, who was too wrathful to take a cart and go. Looking in the window to the grocery store, Irvine saw a black chocobo with pink feathers and a pink bow on it's head being chased by a butcher with a eerily sharp and bloody knife.

He sighed. "Time for some damage control."

- - -

A half an hour later, Irvine, Seifer, and Squall trudged wearily towards the parked sports car.

"Man, it's lucky you knew that butcher," Seifer said.

Irvine shrugged. "He owes me a favor."

"Why?"

Irvine declined to comment.

"Oh, man!" he shouted instead, "We forgot the food!"

The two men and the chocobo dashed back in the store and gazed around, confused and panicked. "What should we get?" Seifer asked.

Irvine, wide eyed at seeing all the different brand names stuttered, "I think Selphie mentioned chocobo soup. Let's get that."

- - -

Seifer, Irvine, and Squall walked triumphantly through the halls of Balamb Garden. The sun behind them just made their aura tangible. Oh yes, they were damn proud.

Until, of course, Quistis appeared right in front of them.

"You. Are. So. Dead," she spat out through clenched teeth.

"But, Quistis," Seifer said, trying to calm down the furious instructor, "We got soup!"

Quistis just exploded. Throwing the many cans at the men she shouted, "WE HAVE NO FRICKIN' CAN OPENER YOU BLOODY IMBECILES!"

Unfortunately, Quistis had very good aim. Squall, Seifer, and Irvine went to bed that night with a great deal of can-shaped bruises.

----------

Author's Note: -wearing Irvine's hat- Yes, I am the fan girl that stole Irvine's hat. AND I'M NOT SORRY! Anyways, moving on, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry to stereotype guys in that they can't shop. So, in order to stop all lawsuits, I just wanted to say that if any of you guys out there know how to shop well, I am sorry. And if you don't like that, then sue me. Actually, don't. I don't have any money. So, um yeah. Review!


	5. Of Ruined Parties and Dancing Chocobos

Chapter Five-Of Ruined Parties and Dancing Chocobos

Author's Note: Yup. Another long wait between updates. I apologize. I've just had the worst writer's block, like, ever. But I'm not here to make excuses. Enjoi!

----------

"Everything's done, right?" Selphie asked nervously, it was eight forty five, day of. There were fifteen minutes until the Garden Festival started. In many ways, Selphie considered it her opus.

Selphie's underlings, the Garden Festival committee nodded. Dressed impeccably, they were dismissed and began to filter out through the Quad, dancing a bit here, chatting a bit there.

Others began to come in as well. Selphie drifted among them, greeting the guests, accepting compliments.

Suddenly, there was a shriek of excitement from the other side of the Quad. "Oh, Selphie, this looks wonderful!" Rinoa cried. "How did you do all of this?"

Selphie flipped her hair arrogantly. "I know, I'm wonderful. What would you do without me?"

Rinoa laughed. "Is the stage ready for Mr. Chocobo's performance?" As Selphie nodded, Squall gulped. He did NOT want to perform. According to the plan, Squall would be shoved out on stage during the middle part of the ceremony, and be unveiled as the new Garden Mascot. He would then perform the traditional Balamb dance, which Selphie and Rinoa had painstakingly taught to him over the past few days. Squall grimaced, and planned to escape before his time came.

- - -

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I mean, uh, snack table, Quistis was in Phase Two of rant mode. Phase One was calmly explaining why the other person was an IDIOT for doing whatever had made her upset. Phase Two, the current phase, was forcing the other person to fix their mistake. Phase Two was usually the most damaging to self-esteem.

"No, you idiot!" Quistis said to Irvine, who was trying to operate the newly-bought can opener. "I bought that opener with my own money, and you're going to break it!"

"Quistis," Irvine said, flashing her Smile #35(innocent smile), and trying to charm his way out of this.

She glared. "Don't you 'Quistis' me, I'll kill you! Now open the soup can."

Again Irvine tried to open the tin can, but to no avail. The can stayed shut. "Irvine, you pansy, give me the stupid thing," Seifer commanded. Yes, he too was being held hostage by his feral girlfriend.

Seifer tried to open the can, and when it didn't work, he slammed both the can and the can opener on the table. The can got a dent in the side (5 gil discount) and the can opener fell to pieces. Quistis glared wearily at him. She sighed. "I need a drink," she said, and started walking to the bar at the other end of the Quad. Seifer kicked a few random shards of the can opener, and trailed after her.

- - -

Echoes of classical music warbled in the dark cave of the storage freezer that imprisoned Zell. He looked up from his fetal position on the floor, where he had been trying to sleep, and listened carefully. If he didn't breathe so much, he could make out conversations between students. "It must be the Garden Festival" he said to the smiley face had drawn on the wall with a frozen hot dog. It only grinned back.

"Shut up, Wilson," he said to it, and pressed his ear against the frozen wall, desperate for human contact.

- - -

"Rin, the band's almost done. Is Mr. Chocobo ready?" Selphie asked her friend.

Rinoa eagerly nodded, and looked around for Squall. "Mr. Chocobo, where are you?" she cat called in a high pitched voice. She couldn't find him! Rinoa whistled a few more times, but Squall was no where to be found. "Selphie, I can't find him!" she said, nervously.

Selphie looked around suspiciously. "Don't worry, I'll find him," she said menacingly. "I'll call in the Troops."

Squall, from his hiding place underneath a table, cowered. Who knew Selphie could be so ruthless?

- - -

Ten minutes later, every single Committee member had been torn away from their dates, and assembled in a line in front of "Squadron Leader" Selphie. Her fashionable heels now changed for combat boots beneath her dress, she paced up and down the line of her troops, briefing them on their mission. "THIS" Selphie shouted, holding up a picture, "is your target. He is a male, black chocobo, with pink-tipped feathers, pink toenails, and a pink bow on his forehead. He is to be presumed armed and dangerous. DO NOT make the mistake of thinking he is cute and cuddly. This rabid chocobo has gone AWOL and is desperately missed by his owner. IF HE IS NOT FOUND," Selphie screamed again, "YOUR LIVES ARE MINE!" Finally, she calmed down again. "Do I make myself clear?"

Her troops saluted. "Sir, yes sir!" the shouted.

Selphie sat down at the very table Squall was hiding under, and rubbed her temple with a hand, her eyes shut. "Dismissed," she muttered tiredly, "Hyne's speed, soldiers."

- - -

"Quistis," Seifer said pleadingly, "Quistis, only have three drinks, okay?"

Quistis, who in fact was on her fifth, hiccupped and nodded. "I've courshe I'll only have three, shweety," she said, her words slurred. The instructor had very low alcohol tolerance.

Seifer raised an eyebrow worriedly. "How many have you had?"

She thought a moment. "I love you, shweety," she said, smiling at Seifer. "I've only had…two," Quistis continued. Part of her blonde bun fell out of the clip holding it in, but Quistis didn't notice. "Bartender, one more!" she called. The poor bartender looked around nervously, and slid another drink down towards her.

- - -

"Hey Selphie," Irvine said, walking up to his Festival date, a winning smile (# 64) on his face.

Selphie looked up from her dinner. "Who are you?" she asked, completely confused.

Taken aback, Irvine said, "It's me, Irvine."

She shook her head. "No, it's not. You can't fool me. Irvine wears a hat." Selphie nodded triumphantly, proud of outwitting this impersonator.

The rabid fan girl who had stolen Irvine's hat walked up, wearing her trophy. "Hey, Selphie, nice job!"

Selphie blinked up at the girl. She squinted and asked, "Irvine, is that you?"

The girl blinked a few times too, and said, "No, I'm Pyrefly. Lady Pyrefly to you."

"But…you have a hat."

Lady Pyrefly nodded. "Good, Selphie. I stole it from Irvine last chapter."

Selphie was still confused. "Chapter?"

The fan girl sighed. Slamming the hat on the table, and left, muttering, "Last time I ever put myself in a story, damned characters…"

- - -

Squall had been curled up underneath the table for over an hour now. His wings were getting a horrible cramp in them. Squall looked around. Selphie, he knew, was sitting at the table. There was another pair of legs at the table, clothed in black dress pants. Very carefully, Squall stretched his right wing. Much to his dismay, the feathers reached further than Squall had anticipated, and grazed Selphie's leg.

He froze in terror.

- - -

"So, like," Irvine started to say, when Selphie felt something touch her leg. She paled, aghast, and promptly slapped Irvine across the face. She then stomped off in her black combat boots, leaving Irvine asking, "What'd I do?"

- - -

"We know you're hiding him, now WHERE IS HE?" the brainwashed Committee member demanded, pushing a male guest in a suit up against a wall.

The terrified guest looked around nervously, "I ain't seen nothin'" he said quietly.

"DON'T LIE TO ME! WHERE IS THE CHOCOBO?" the Committee soldier yelled, red in the face. A vein stood out on his forehead conspicuously.

"I'm tellin' ya, I ain't seen nothin'!" The poor guest member said, louder.

Selphie's underling glowered angrily, but let the student go. "I'll be watchin' you, punk." He then turned and walked away, as the guest smoothed his blazer down again.

- - -

Rinoa sat at her table, alone, and sighed. The library girl, too, stood alone. She wafted gently over to Rinoa in her long, white, evening gown. "Men suck, don't they?" she asked. When Rinoa looked shocked, she said, "I heard about Squall. I'm sorry he bailed on you right before your anniversary."

"Did Zell do the same?" Rinoa asked.

She shrugged. "I think so. I can't find him anywhere. By the way, my name's--

- - -

"Emily!" Zell gasped, from inside the freezer. "EMILY!" he shouted. "EMILY, I'M IN THE FREEZER!"

- - -

Emily looked around. "Did you hear something?" she asked Rinoa. Rinoa shrugged, but shook her head.

- - -

"WHERE IS THE CHOCOBO?" another, female Committee Member screamed at a table of gossiping wallflowers. The wallflowers stared up at her stoically.

"WHERE IS HE?"

When the shy girls refused to answer, the soldier overturned the table.

- - -

Quistis Trepe, community leader, and hopeless drunk at the moment, smiled at Seifer as he pleaded with her to not drink any more. "I love you, Sheifer," she said, still smiling stupidly. "Bartender, I want…" Quistis paused to think, "One of whatever thish ish."

The bartender shook his head. "I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm cutting you off."

Quistis was outraged. "I have not had enough. I'll TELL you when I've had enough!" She flung her arms wildly as she said that, and her drink flew out of her grip and landed in a lit candle on a nearby table. The high alcohol content in the drink caused the table to burst into flame, lighting several other tables on fire as well.

Seifer looked sternly at his drunken date. She grinned nervously back.

- - -

"This entire party is ruined!" Selphie whined. The burning tables had to be put out with more-than-healthy doses of water magic, so the entire floor of the quad was covered in three inches of water. All the guests had vanished after the electricity had gone out. "Besides," as one guest had put it, "There wasn't any food."

The band hired for the night began to pack up their instruments. "Hey!" Selphie yelled. "I paid you for an entire night, now PLAY, dammit!" The players gulped, looked around nervously, and started up a classy waltz tune.

"C'mon, Sefie," Irvine soothed, "It's okay…"

Rinoa began to sniffle, the tune playing was the Waltz to the Moon. Squall, from his hiding place underneath the table, heard her sniffles and felt horrible for "leaving" right before their anniversary.

He slowly emerged from hiding and placed his beak on the table next to Rinoa. "Wark?" he asked delicately. Rinoa raised her face from her arms and looked at her pet.

"Oh, Mr. Chocobo, I love you, but I wish you were Squall."

Squall nodded. "Wark," he agreed. An idea struck him in the head like enemy fire. Squall clamped his large choco-beak onto the hem of Rinoa's dress and dragged her onto the water covered dance floor.

"Mr. Chocobo, what are you doing?" she demanded testily. Squall took Rinoa's hands in his wings, which lacked opposable thumbs, and began leading her around the dance floor. At the end of the song, as if on cue, a beautiful shooting star flew across the night sky.

However, the moment was ruined by seven crazed Garden Festival Committee members tackling the poor chocobo.

- - -

As the echoes of music died out in Zell's freezer, and he sighed dreamily. "Wilson," he said to the face on the wall, "That party sounded perfect." When Zell tried to move to go to sleep, he realized his ear was frozen to the wall.

Author's Note: -mad cackle- I made fun of Castaway! -sigh- I can die happy now. And, I'm sorry, I never intended for this to be a romance story, but I just HAD to put a bit of teenage angst in. In my opinion, angst is what makes fanfiction function. ANYWAY, I hope you all liked this, because I did.


	6. Of Things That Leave and Really Bad Hair

Chapter Six-Of Things That Leave and Really Bad Hair Days

Author's Note: No, the story isn't dead, it was just in a coma there for a while. Ehe. Sorry, and I feel horrible, I just could not for the life of me figure out what to write. Anyway, forgive the eight-month hiatus, because I'm really fond of this chapter. Thanks!

----------

It was morning.

The sun shined in an open window onto Squall. He was sleeping at the foot of Rinoa's bed. Slowly, unwilling to give up his sleep, Squall opened an eye and peered around. Ugh. He was in pain. Those brainwashed Festival Committee members had freaking TACKLED him. There were bruises in more places than Squall liked to consider at this point.

And his head hurt.

Which meant a hangover.

Which was really actually pretty scary because Squall didn't even drink any alchohol at the Garden Festival.

- - -

Zell, after finally managing to tear his ear off the frozen side of his prison, hacked and chopped at a hunk of ice in the middle of the freezer. He laughed maniacally and turned to Wilson, the hot-dog-drawn face on the left wall. "It'll be beautiful, Wilson! BEAUTIFUL!"

Wilson was beginning to worry for Zell's sanity. That's saying something, considering Wilson was just a stick-figure.

- - -

Squall the Chocobo rolled over. He wasn't ready to ge up just yet. Not yet. A tuft of pink fuzz flew off of him has he got comfortable. Squall watched it float lazily in the morning sunshine, attributing the hair-loss to stress and bad dye-jobs. He reached out and grabbed it.

There was a pause.

Everything seemed to stop.

Chocobos cannot grab things. Chocobos lack opposable thumbs Chocobos have feathers, not hair.

Squall panicked. He jumped off of the bed, and ran full-out into the ajoining bathroom. With one anguished cry of "KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Squall fainted, and his world went black.

- - -

"You know," Irvine said, pausing for a moment with a piece of French Toast on his fork, "I know it's only been one day, but doesn't it feel like we've been sleeping for, like, eight months?"

Selphie, sitting across from him in the Cafeteria, nodded. "It does, doesn't it. How odd. But then again, you're eating French Toast. What's a French?"

The pair of them shrugged, deciding it's best not to question an author's writing habits.

Rinoa came into the cafeteria and plopped down in a chair next to them.

"What's wrong, Rin? You look like your puppy just ran away," Selphie asked, concerned.

The girl in blue burst into tears and said, "_My chocobo just ran away!_"

- - -

"KKUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Quistis, just waking up with the most fearsome hangover ever to hit mankind, peered around out her window. A partially-pink, mostly-shedding Moogle ran past, screaming it's head off. Deciding she was probably still quite drunk, the instructor decided to go back to bed.

- - -

Squall the Choco--Moogle, ran panicked around Balamb Garden. Due to the fact that the pink-dye job given to him by a rabid Selphie and Rinoa, his moogly-fur was falling out in chunks, leaving an altogether too-visible trail where he had beenr running.

"I DON'T WANT TO BE A MOOGLE! THIS IS SO EMMASCULATING!" he shouted, the words coming out sounding like, "KUUUUPO! KUUUPPPPPOOOOOOO! KUPO KUPO KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Luckily for Squall, in the midst of his moogle-panic attack, Headmaster Cid shot him down with a tranquilizer gun. Striking a heroic pose, the infamous Headmaster/Moogle Hunter/Derranged Maniac Cid said, "Cid one, Moogles zero."

Edea came out of the elevator and stopped next to her husband. "Dear?" she asked, one eyebrow raised, "Have you been hunting Moogles again? We'ved talked about this, dear."

Cid the Pansy pouted and walked slowly back to his office.

- - -

Rinoa, meanwhile, was sobbing hysterically into Irvine's newly renamed FH Toast. "I just loved him so much!" she wailed. Selphie patted her back comfortingly, and Irvine stared morosely at his breakfast. "But he left me! Everything I love leaves me!"

"Not everything, Rin, you still have Angelo!"

"Who cares about a dumb dog? I had a _chocobo_ and he _left me._ And Squall left me! And my mother left me and my second-grade hamster left me and..."

Sensing that Rinoa would be going on the same fashion for quite some time, everyone made to settle themselves comfortably.

- - -

"Just one more chip, Wilson! Just one more!" The demented look in Zell's eyes glinted as he held a sharpened-hot dog over his head. With a whooooshing sound, he brought it down and onto the ice-chunk.

Zell's eyes filled with tears, "Look at it, Wilson, it's beautiful. My ice sculpture is complete." He got down onto his knees and bowed to his statue. "Oh, mighty and merciful Hot Dog Goddess, I am not worthy! I am not worthy!"

- - -

Squall opened his eyes. Feeling as though he'd had enough reawakening scenes to last him a lifetime, the moogle-boy looked around him. He appeared to be in some kind of laboratory somewhere. A short little man waddled in on stubby legs, and Squall suppressed the groan rising in his throat.

"'ello, Mistar Squall!"

"Kuupo! Kupo kupo! Kupoooo!"

"Yes, Mistar Squall, it iz I, Doctor Odine. And yes, Mistar Squall, I can understand you."

"Kupo? Kupo kupo Kkkupppooo!"

"Vell, Mistar Squall, what I can assume is that you are 'aving a very 'orrible reaction to radiation off of a 'ot dog. You 'have been a chocobo, 'aven't you?" Rather than make another devastatingly feminine squeak, Squall just nodded.

"Ah, yes, yes. Vell, you have a few more transformations to go, Mistar Squall. Since most of the meat in the 'ot dogs was that of a chocobo, you were a chocobo for most of the time. Now you are going through the other meat products in the 'ot dog, Mistar Squall."

The look of abject horror on Squall's face said all too well what he though of this.

- - -

"…and my kitty when I was six, and my favorite television program when I was eight, and that butterfly I caught on a field trip that one time, and…"

----------

Author's Note: Crappy chapter, I know, but please bear with me, I'm still getting back into the swing of this. Next time, on IWATC: Squall's quest to find out what exactly was in those hot dogs, Rinoa's quest to find her lost chocobo, Quistis' quest to get over her hangover, Irvine and Selphie's quest to right the wrongs of fanfiction, Zell's quest to get out of the freezer, Wilson's quest to get another dimension, and Seifer's quest to get back in the story!


End file.
